Front Row Seats

My faith is less than half of a mustard seed at times. I work through life knowing that God could but not always believing He will. This year has challenged me and it's only July. Every year brings its challenges, though. This year is the 10th anniversary since Craig was injured in the USCG. In the early days, and that first year (or nine), I refused all other possible outcomes other than total healing. I refused to believe he wasn't improving. I was adamant that life was OK! God would heal Craig! 

It wasn't. He wasn't. He didn't. God didn't do it. 

He still hasn't. 

I don't think He will anymore. I think there is a purpose in it. I'm confident in that! I look for it all the time. I want to see others run to God because of this. I'd be lying in your face if I said I knew what it was or that I haven't had my trust shaken, but I'm still looking. I don't like that His purpose isn't mine. It's taking too long. I'm trusting that there is a purpose.

TRUST

It's my word of 2015. 

I've trusted that God will continue to hold Craig through his pain. I've trusted that there IS a purpose for all of this - Our lives and all that we do. I've trusted that Carson's (our 7 year old)  school troubles and recent diagnosis are going to be ok. I've trusted that decisions we've made for him are for the best (ok, I'm still working on that. It ain't easy, y'all!) (It's a whole other blog)

Yesterday, my 3 year old, Andrew, scratched his knee on the sidewalk. I cleaned it, doctored it up, and found a Ninja Turtle band aid to keep it safe from all harm. 10 minutes later, he had pulled it off. I put it back on. He took it back off. We went around like this for a while. 

I stuck it on and told him that he should really leave it on for a while. He lifted up the corner to peek at it and said, "God is healing it and I want to watch. He's taking a REALLY LONG TIME, and it's hard to wait, but he's gonna do it, and I want to watch." 

I sat down and watched him peeking with such eagerness to see the expected miracle. It hit me pretty hard that I don't do that. I know in my brain that Andrew's boo boo will be healed. I'm not sure I carry it in my heart the way he does. I want to peek and watch again. I want to fully expect a miracle and insist on a front row seat. 

Maybe I have one already. It's not the kind of miracle I thought any of this would be. That doesn't make it less of one. It could be that through a steady walk of life, staring up at God, we could get others to stare up, too. 

I recently talked with a dear friend who has worked vigilantly for God in other countries. I listened to his stories of how God is working. Many times, my friend didn't understand what God was doing until someone told him. The miracles were all around him. God was a refuge, a strength, an ever present help in trouble. He was there.

He is here. I want to watch.