Who do I say I am?

I've thought about these very things for two days. My human nature & breaking heart scream loudly for vengeance, but I must listen for who I am. Am I afraid? Am I reactionary? Or am I more than those things? Who do I say I am? That has to be my answer.

IF I call myself a follower of Christ, I must look up from myself and see what he'd do and where he is now. 

"For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in" (Matthew 25:35).

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” (Matthew 5:43-44) 

“For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”‭‭(Galatians‬ ‭5:14‬)

“I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more.”(Luke 12:4)

IF I call myself an American, I should know we believe all humans have unalienable equal rights for freedom. I should know our statue that represents our own Liberty cries it to others:

"Give me your tired, your poor, 
Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free, 
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, 
Send these, the homeless, tempest tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

For what breaks yours...

Break my heart for what breaks Yours...

Don't pray that unless you are ready to get wrecked and pulled into stuff you didn't think you'd EVER do.
Don't pray it unless you are ready to look back and not recognize who you were or the things you focused on.
Don't pray it unless you are ready to cry over things that aren't your circus or your monkeys.
Don't pray it if you've decided you no longer have the patience to deal with people with bad attitudes, people who swing their own hurt around like a fiery mace, and people who don't put in what you do.
Don't pray it if you aren't willing to shake it all off, T-Swizzle style- including, but not limited to: political parties, morality & social issues, cultural preferences, current church or ministry focuses, etc. God will take the good and replace it with best while rearranging your priorities like a hurricane.
Don't pray it unless you are willing to really lay it down & walk where your trust has no boarders.
Don't pray it if you don't want a broken heart.

Blessed are the broken-hearted

CS Lewis once said something like, if you are looking for a comfortable religion, I wouldn't recommend Christianity.

"I Am The Worst"

"My name is Legion, for we are many" said the demon-possessed man to Jesus. (Mark 5)

I've been thinking a lot about stories lately. I'm an avid reader and I was raised around storytellers. Much of my own family history has been passed by stories and I love listening to and telling them. I've been reading Brene' Brown's newest book "Rising Strong" and she discusses the importance of story telling in it. We love a beginning - an introduction that helps us fall in love with characters. We love how they confront the challenge and then we love happy endings.

If you know me well, you know I have a strong desire to write & teach. I have stories to tell. I am frustrated by the middle of stories, though because it is hard, messy, and difficult. Brown wrote that she discovered through time that the middle is the most important part. It's where our stories really lie.

In Adventure Park, our K-5th grade environment at Forest Park Church, we've started a series on Individuality. It's about how God made each of us with skills, gifts, and stories to tell that can bring others to Him.

Today, we talked about Paul. Paul was an incredible servant and helped establish the early church. What an incredible man! Well, his story is actually rather messy. He started out his life as a strong leader within the Jewish community, but as Christianity began to rise, he brutally fought against it. The middle of his story is pretty awful. Why would God choose to use Paul, who murdered Christians, to help bring Christianity all over the known world? Paul used his story to encourage Timothy, who was young and had doubts, to stay strong in his service to God. Paul knew that if God could use a mass murderer, then He could use anyone. Paul told Tim starting in 1Tim 1:13 that he was a horribly violent man. God showed him mercy. He said "Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst" so that others could come to know Him, too.

That's one of my favorite passages in the Bible. Many times, I feel like the worst. Many times, the middle of my story (which is really where I am) seems messy and unclear. I want to lean in to that messiness and help others through it, too.

Pastor Scott is in a new series now called "LEGION" and it's about the "demons" in life that we carry. Jesus asked a possessed man his name and he replied with "My name is legion, for we are many." My name is Insecurity lately. Well, my parents named me Ashlea, spelled that way on purpose, by the way, but I fight Insecurity. Fear gets me, too. Those two hang out together. I get so excited about doing things for Jesus, but then I'm instantly hit with panic. I freak out that I'm not good enough. I can't write this. I can't do this well enough to pass inspection. It's not what others are looking for…I paralyze myself. I let those two paralyze me.

BUT…I know that even in my mess up, even in the doubt, the fear, the insecurity, the panic…. I know in that, Jesus can be seen. He is in the middle of my story. I'm talented and gifted by HIM to do exactly whatever I'm up against.

Jesus healed that possessed man. He saved Paul. He sent them both out to tell others about freedom in Him. That lets me know that even though I might very well be the worst, I might even be Legion, but I am loved, forgiven, and I have things to do. I have stories to tell.

It Is Well Even When It's Not

COUNT IT ALL JOY! Count it all joy...count it all joy...count it all...sigh...count the blah...blah blah blah....Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave!

I come to you today in an different place than I have been before. I think if most writers are honest, we’re always in the search for the most authentic, most vulnerable, most honest words. Hemingway said “write drunk - edit sober” and he didn’t mean necessarily inebriated, just uninhibited. Or, you know, it was Hemingway, so he was probably imbibing heavily. Anyway, I’m sipping sweet tea and looking for the same results here. 

I’ve spent the last ten years (or maybe 37) faking badass, and I’ve only recently discovered that. I figured out I wasn’t that tough recently. One morning in July, Craig woke up, and his legs no longer worked. The pain he has suffered with since his injury (USCG) ten years ago had risen to levels not yet experienced. Nothing to be done, he is mostly wheel chair bound now. This was an eventual expectation of the progression of degenerative disc disease and spinal stenosis, but neither of us saw it happening this soon, this sudden, or this seriously. It was devastating to us.

To say we were drowning in life is an understatement. Craig’s pain progressed significantly and we fought Veteran’s Affairs for care unsuccessfully. Chronic pain sufferers commonly deal with depression and Craig entirely bottomed out. In the past, I have rallied to boost his spirits, but I didn’t rally. I couldn’t even rally myself. I made like an ostrich and stuck my head in the ground. I was very busy at the time, which was a good thing, because I was barely hanging on otherwise. Craig was so bad, I was terrified he’d end his life. He thought about it many times. When I had to leave him, I’d mentally go into a self-preservation mode and detach...just in case he did. I spent way too much time talking to other people instead of him. He was so dark, angry, and unintentionally mean. He didn’t mean to be. All of his energy was used to manage his horrific pain and his own thoughts of escape and he couldn’t manage much else. Pain is, at it’s very basic level, an animalistic response. He was a growling grizzly. I was hurting, too, and he hurt me. I snapped and hurt him. It was a delightful situation.

On the flip side of that, I was attempting to manage my typical, bubbly self. I needed to get our oldest child to tutoring. I needed to help him read and write. I needed to be a real mom to both boys, teach at Cale, host at VBS, and all the other hats I wore. People looked so sad when they asked me about Craig. I brushed off most of that. I couldn’t carry their sadness, too. No one has any idea how much their sadness weighs when you are already drowning. I wanted them all to be ok. So I was ok. We were ok. EVERYTHING WAS OK! Just smile and wave, boys! We’ll just count it all joy! 

But that was a bold faced lie. It wasn’t joy. My facade had cracks after a while. It started to leak at times and the dam broke in spots near trusted friends. I kept saying I was trusting God, but truthfully, I was mad as all hell. I couldn’t trust Him. I felt entirely abandoned. Craig was mad at God and felt abandoned on many levels. He was mad at God, mad at the VA, mad at himself, mad at his work, mad at his mom who never called...it was just overwhelming. It was hard to do everything. It was so very hard to go out. Chasing the kids, lifting his chair, make sure he could reach stuff from his chair, make sure places were accessible to wheelchairs, make sure he was safe in his chair...people can be horribly rude. Occasionally, the dam would crack at a bad time and people were shocked by it. “You’re always happy! I never thought you cried!” That just made me angry and more resilient. The wall was firmly in place.

I numbed my mind to it all and I acted out in other ways. Trust me, when you numb bad emotion out, it’s going to leak other ways. I slept too much or I didn’t sleep at all. I drank. I snapped at the kids. I couldn’t admit to myself how bad I felt, though. I thought I was just tired, too energetic, too lonely, or the kids were just too much.

Brene’ Brown talks about her term “Badassery” in her newest book, “Rising Strong.” She says it isn’t the people who project perfectionism or tough posturing. It’s the people who say “This really sucks” and then they get up, brush themselves off, and stumble forward.

Admitting that “it sucks” when I can’t change anything feels like whining. I really struggle with that so very much. I do not want to whine...ever. I’m not a victim and I don’t wring my hands in desperation. I also struggle to acknowledge the big life waves that can take us down. I cannot acknowledge the tsunami because I’m afraid if I stop long enough to realize that I’m drowning, I might just drown. 

Plus...even so...aren’t we supposed to just count it all joy no matter what? Sing like Paul in prison! Be happy! Shake it off! 

Well, Paul admitted he was in prison. He knew that. So it wasn’t denial. Also, I don’t really think that blissful happiness is really what authentic Christianity is all about. 

Author Phillip Yancey said, “’Rejoicing in suffering’ does not mean Christians should act happy about tragedy and pain when they feel like crying. Such a view distorts honesty and true expression of feelings. Christianity is not phony. The Bible’s spotlight is on the end result, the use God can make of suffering in our lives. Before He can produce that result, however, He first needs our commitment of trust in Him, and the process of giving Him that commitment can be described as rejoicing".

My “Word of the Year” for 2015 is Trust. I really thought that was going to be mostly other people, which that has been a thing, too. But I see that it’s mostly trusting God. Trusting in Him entirely is truly worth rejoicing. He is, once again, pulling us back to Him. He’s washing away our sins and fears. He’s restoring our marriage. He’s restoring Craig, in a sense. He’s restoring our family...though not to what we once were. No, we’ve changed and grown through this process. We’ve learned to trust people and we’re grateful for our church community group - our #Tribe. My family is there for us. I’m also grateful to be a part of a small group of women who understand that life is crap sometimes. I’ve learned that grieving failed expectations in life can be ongoing - and that’s ok. Grief is a beast of it’s own. I give in to that for a bit and then figure out how to “Thrive” within it. I feel like we’re all brushing ourselves off and stepping forward in true badassery fashion this time. 

I can honestly say “It is well” even when it doesn’t seem like it. It is well because of God, not because of circumstances. It is well because of God, not because of how strong I am or am pretending to be. It is well because of God and He will see us through. It is well because of God. It is well. 

“it is well" by andy luce.

Front Row Seats

My faith is less than half of a mustard seed at times. I work through life knowing that God could but not always believing He will. This year has challenged me and it's only July. Every year brings its challenges, though. This year is the 10th anniversary since Craig was injured in the USCG. In the early days, and that first year (or nine), I refused all other possible outcomes other than total healing. I refused to believe he wasn't improving. I was adamant that life was OK! God would heal Craig! 

It wasn't. He wasn't. He didn't. God didn't do it. 

He still hasn't. 

I don't think He will anymore. I think there is a purpose in it. I'm confident in that! I look for it all the time. I want to see others run to God because of this. I'd be lying in your face if I said I knew what it was or that I haven't had my trust shaken, but I'm still looking. I don't like that His purpose isn't mine. It's taking too long. I'm trusting that there is a purpose.

TRUST

It's my word of 2015. 

I've trusted that God will continue to hold Craig through his pain. I've trusted that there IS a purpose for all of this - Our lives and all that we do. I've trusted that Carson's (our 7 year old)  school troubles and recent diagnosis are going to be ok. I've trusted that decisions we've made for him are for the best (ok, I'm still working on that. It ain't easy, y'all!) (It's a whole other blog)

Yesterday, my 3 year old, Andrew, scratched his knee on the sidewalk. I cleaned it, doctored it up, and found a Ninja Turtle band aid to keep it safe from all harm. 10 minutes later, he had pulled it off. I put it back on. He took it back off. We went around like this for a while. 

I stuck it on and told him that he should really leave it on for a while. He lifted up the corner to peek at it and said, "God is healing it and I want to watch. He's taking a REALLY LONG TIME, and it's hard to wait, but he's gonna do it, and I want to watch." 

I sat down and watched him peeking with such eagerness to see the expected miracle. It hit me pretty hard that I don't do that. I know in my brain that Andrew's boo boo will be healed. I'm not sure I carry it in my heart the way he does. I want to peek and watch again. I want to fully expect a miracle and insist on a front row seat. 

Maybe I have one already. It's not the kind of miracle I thought any of this would be. That doesn't make it less of one. It could be that through a steady walk of life, staring up at God, we could get others to stare up, too. 

I recently talked with a dear friend who has worked vigilantly for God in other countries. I listened to his stories of how God is working. Many times, my friend didn't understand what God was doing until someone told him. The miracles were all around him. God was a refuge, a strength, an ever present help in trouble. He was there.

He is here. I want to watch. 

Jesus Loves Caitlyn Jenner

Good news! Jesus loves Caitlyn Jenner. And, surprisingly(!), even you & me.

Now, unless you are planning to unload your darkest secret/hardest struggle for media piranhas, Facebook, or your own church to rip apart, how about stop debating the definition of courage & heroism.

We're called & empowered by the Holy Spirit to love beyond reason the very people we may consider unlovable. Why is it that Christians need the biggest push in this area? Why are we the first to throw out condemnation before compassion?

Who is my neighbor? Jesus said it's the very person you cannot stand. Who are your Samaritans? Samaritans in that time were people who scoffed at God's laws on marriage and family. They had their own agenda. Jesus made a Samaritan the hero of a story.

Pray for Caitlyn. The backlash is now turning ugly. She says she's a Christian, and I really hope so! My human understanding of the Gospel does not exempt her if Jesus says she is. Pray for those who are trying to find who they are. Pray they understand that they are wonderfully made. Pray for those who continue to share hateful posts by those "speaking truth". Pray more people will share the Good News of Jesus in love with many people to bring hope and purpose to them. Pray lives are saved.

What's your #Next10?

What could possibly possess me to write on my own blog? A question! 

I was asked today about my goals for the next 10 years. 10 years! That seems a long time, but it's really not. Not for big things to happen. I had to take a serious look at my life and what I want to do with it. It's so easy to just do the days, weeks, months, and years without living at all. Do you know goals for the #Next10 years of your life? 

I want to write a book. I've said that for-EVAH, but I still do and it's scary. More than that though, I want to write and speak. I like public speaking (weirdo) and I'm drawn to it in an unexplainable way, so I'm confident that God can use me in it. Maybe it's a book tour. Maybe that's my ego. Ha! I don't know. I like talking and writing.

In the last few months, I've left a staff position at church and returned to volunteering in kids/students ministry. It's the best thing I ever could have done. I know that in the next 10 years, I want to help bring an all-encompassing family ministry to Forest Park. I'm thrilled to work with kids - I actually use my theatre background the most in that arena! Students challenge me in deep ways. It's all so exciting, hard, and fulfilling work. Work? No, more like a calling. It's the type of work that when I leave, I smile knowing I poured it all out. Even if it was hard. Even if I'm crying over the hurts of others. I know I was meant for this and it's good. I have 21 years of experience with kids/students in a variety of areas. I've learned that you go where your heart breaks. Family and church break my heart. What am I going to do about that? DIVE IN to NEXT GEN for the NEXT 10! Maybe that includes the talking and writing?! NO CLUE! I'm all in though.

I'm excited to see what the next 10 brings to my own family. Carson will be 17 in 10 years and he wants to go to Africa on a trip to help people. No clue where in Africa, but we have time to figure out where and what to do. He has a fascinating mind. Andrew will be 13. He really loves people and is genuinely funny. I don't know what he'll be doing - I don't even know 5 minutes from now. :) I want to see them both grow in Christ and grasp the mission of the Gospel wholeheartedly! 

I'd desperately love to see Craig gain relief from pain. We had many plans for after military life and I'd love to see some come to fruition! He's had 10 years of this junk and I think that's long enough. Praying the next 10 finds relief. I definitely want to take time away more often and invest in our marriage and each other. I kinda like him...a lot. :D 

I'd love to develop deeper relationships, too. I have some special people in my life, including my sister and my family. I'm thankful for relationships. 

What does your #Next10 look like?