“That word doesn’t mean what you think it means.”

I was thinking a lot recently about difficult people. We are ALL difficult, so I’m not trashing.  Scrap the phrase “difficult people” and put in “humans.” Same thing. 

I’m thinking about the hard wounds that happen in our lives. Living is an active verb, which means we can get hurt. Sometimes, that hurt is in traumatic ways that alter the course of who we are and our lives. I am a follower of Christ, which does color my views, but I don’t want this to seem preachy. I’m speaking about things I’m walking or have walked. There’s so much confusion about forgiveness and I want to clarify it as a fellow human. We use that word, but it doesn’t mean what we often think it means. 

Forgiveness never implies the other person was right. It isn’t a score card. It just means you won’t let it poison you. Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. It doesn’t mean you forget what happened and walk back into the same thing. You can forgive, have boundaries, or even block people right out of your life forever.  Reconciliation is great in many cases, but largely dependent on what is healthy and safe. It is dependent on the other person’s accountability, their understanding and acceptance of what they did wrong, and their desire to make that right, which is out of our control entirely. It’s a different topic. 

Forgiveness isn’t about the person who hurt you at all, it’s about the anger you hold inside. You hurt yourself and others, whether you or me realize it or not, from the wounds we refuse to heal from...we all do. True healing requires peace. Peace comes from doing the hard work of forgiveness. It’s difficult, but worth it, to let go of the anger. It’s also worth keeping yourself safe while you do that. 

I hope this explanation helps to clarify what is often misconstrued, and because of that, harmful. I am definitely not telling you what to do because that’s very personal. I get that. I’m working on it too, all the time. My brain will yell “they don’t deserve forgiveness!” Then I’m reminded that it is not them, but me, and I deserve to forgive.