Stop, Drop, and Listen (Perquimans Weekly June 11, 2020)

As I sat down to write for this week, I thought about the past week. The cursor blinked at me and I blinked back at it. What does one even say? There is such pain, such anguish, such defensiveness, and these things are not a good combo.

When you think about conflict resolution, one of the first things you have to learn is to stop talking. Don’t say a single word. When my kids are upset, it does no good for me to yell back. No one gets anything out of the situation except more stress and hurt.

Growing up, I really thought I’d use stop, drop, and roll way more than I have (which is zero, thankfully), but it was constantly repeated in school and on TV. You’d think catching on fire was a real problem for kids in the ‘80s. Come to think of it, I was highly flammable with all that hairspray, so maybe they had a point.

I digress. Stop, drop, and listen has been way more effective as a parent. I stop talking, I drop down to the same level, and I listen to find out exactly what went wrong for them. I want them to tell me things so I can’t blow up at stuff. I drop my guard, too. The tension calms.

As I watched the horrible news of Breonna, Ahmaud, and George unfold, social media went bananas. Everything got really loud. No one was listening to anyone really. You had protestors, you had riots, you had racist statements, people who thought this was a conspiracy, and the dismissive, yet well meaning  “We just need Jesus” people all at the same time. Disaster. If you watch cable news networks (you couldn’t pay me to), they likely had the same things, or some version, on every channel.

For the last year or so, I’ve been in a group called “Be The Bridge.” It’s about racial reconciliation and I’ve found it to be difficult and beneficial. It’s mostly Christians, though not religious, and it’s to help white people learn about the life challenges and perceptions of black people and other people of color. One of the most difficult and beneficial parts is when you first join, you’re asked to be quiet for 3 months. You can follow discussions, but you cannot contribute. During this time period, you’re supposed to be quiet and do homework that is provided. Stop, drop your guard, and listen. It’s hard. Especially for someone like me! I’m a talker and I enjoy sharing my “answers” (in case you haven’t noticed). In this situation though, I have no answers. I had to listen and learn. It was so difficult to not become defensive about things that were said! That is, until I learned more about the filter they were looking through. Ouch. 

I truly don’t have answers today. I do encourage you to stop, drop your guard, and listen.